It just occurred to me that I think I have an actual date on Saturday. This hasn't ever happened to me before, and I'm not sure how I feel about it :S What does a date even entail? I'm 21 years old and I've never been on a date, and I'm almost certain this is one. I don't know what to do, how did this even happen? People don't date me, they become best friends with me and then confess months or even years later that they had a crush on me and that they were too afraid to say it to my face because i'm intimidating. It's happened at least 3 times that I know of, okay, I'm not making this shit up.
What am I supposed to do I don't understand this stuff oh god how does a person even act on a date WHAT DO I DO HELP ABORT ABORT O_______O
I've been having a lot of ridiculous anxiety attacks this year, but apparently I can hide it brilliantly, so that's a bonus. It got to the point where it didn't seem like my day was complete until I panicked over something in my life, no matter how trivial it seemed. Also my paranoia has been out of control, and lately I haven't been able to go anywhere without wondering if people were staring at me, whispering about me in a classroom, talking about me behind my back, and wondering if my friends were really my friends or just accommodating my presence. That last one especially has been eating me alive, and most times I feel like no one really wants anything to do with me. I feel like by making plans with people I'm intruding into their lives, like they really don't need or want me in it but I come barging in anyway. I think maybe everyone in my life is just humouring me.
I think I'm better off alone. I've always thought that. But recently, and this probably sounds incredibly stupid, I've started wondering if maybe I might actually want my own happy ending. I used to think that meant trying to be independent, figuring out who I am, getting a job and a home, and I never factored romantic relationships into the equation. I've been so disillusioned by the bullshit that was my high school and the complete train wreck that is every relationship in my family, that I convinced myself I never wanted a guy in my life and would, in fact, be better off without dating or any of that crap. But I've started thinking about it again, and maybe having someone in my life wouldn't be so bad. Maybe happy endings don't seem that farfetched anymore. Yeah, it sounds stupid, I've overdosed on romantic movies and episodes of Once Upon a Time, and now I think I can have my own fairy tale romance. But hey, anything's possible, right?
I've also decided I want to start experimenting with Bubble Goth. I found some tutorials on how to make dread falls and my own platforms, so I'm off to the craft and hardware stores on Friday probably to buy supplies and get working. Unfortunately the shoes I want to modify are back home while I am in res, so that will have to wait. At any rate it'll be a fun summer look and I can play around with bright colours and whites instead of my normal red and black.
I feel...I don't know. Like things could actually be okay, at least for a little while. It's weird, but kind of nice.
WHAT THE FUCK, DC. WHAT DID YOU DO TO HARLEY?
This is NOT Harley Quinn. Harley Quinn is a fun-loving, bubbly blonde jester who's hopelessly in love with a murderous, psychopathic clown. She is NOT an oversexualized object with no evidence of a seemingly innocent yet incredibly manipulative and sexually assertive personality that has characterized her throughout BTAS and the Batman comics. The Joker would be ashamed to have this abomination of an outfit on his arm.
THIS is Harley Quinn, people.
She's not some Hellfire Club reject, she's not some fanboy's wet dream of a nurse in the Asylum, and she's not whatever the hell that thing from Batman Live is. She's fun, quirky, and sure, her costume is totally up to interpretation for us cosplayers who want to do our own fantasy Dark Knight sequel version. But no matter how much we play with her costume to suit our own purposes, we stay true to the feeling of the character, and I can guarantee that no Harley cosplayer would ever set foot in a con wearing DC's train wreck of an outfit.
So basically, some weird program popped up on my computer, antivirus made a valiant attempt to catch it, and then my whole computer froze and shut down. When I restarted, all I had was a black sreeen because apparently my computer forgot what explorer.exe meant. Fan-fucking-tastic. I then flailed, had a general anxiety attack, and called this guy I know who's an IT. In the 2 days that followed, I had to back up all my files onto my external hard drive, put my computer back to its original factory settings, and then restore all my files and programs. Needless to say, this weekend had not been fun. Especially since my computer gets easily overheated and I had to let my computer rest for a couple of hours before it would properly reset, because the first time it shut down halfway through.
However: there is seriously nothing more amazing than watching all of your files restore themselves to your computer after it crashed, burned, and reset twice in order to work properly. So everything's back, from school work to my comic book archive to my massive picture folders to all my wonderful music downloads. I took this opportunity to also go through all my music and delete what I don't ever listen to and what takes up far too much space yet serves no purpose (I'm talking to you, needlessly oversized Gackt collection!). So far I've downloaded my antivirus software, Firefox, and Itunes, and now itunes has to convert all my music again. Then I can add all my other music from my downloads folder >.< And to think I downsized!
So. pros: all my files are saved, and my computer works better than before!
cons: I lost all my bookmarks from Firefox, my itunes is spending hours converting my music, and I still have to download Winrar, utorrent, VLC, and MSN (which, btw, is being a total bitch about it). Overall, I think I did pretty good, considering I basically had to start from scratch. I do miss my bookmarks, though. I guess I'll just have to go find them again!
So. I just watched A Clockwork Orange.
WHAT. Did I just watch. I honestly don't even have the words. I just....wow. Wow. *slow clap*
I don't know if I want to scream or cry or just start laughing inanely. More when my brain starts functioning properly again.
P.S thank you LJ for making it possible to select the tags I want for my entry before i publish it :D
Isn't it funny how when you click on the space provided to write the title of a blog post, all these other phrases pop up? For example, I have no idea where the title for today's post even came from. I mean, I know what it's from, but I don't remember using it in the context of a title. Anyway. that's not what I came here to talk about.
I always wonder about people who write anecdotes about their childhoods. Do they really remember these events in such vivid detail? There must be quite a bit of embellishment going on, because all of these writers can't possibly have that amazing of a memory. Personally, I don't write about, well, myself in general, but if I did, I wouldn't write about my childhood. Why? Because I couldn't tell a story about my youth if I tried, unless it's based on a retelling from another family member. Don't get me wrong, I remember being a kid. I am only 19, after all. But the problem is, I can't recall the specifics that would be required to write a story about my experiences on command. What's past has passed, I suppose. I understand that often writers fill in details here and there based on what they think or hope happened, but still there must be quite a few gaps to fill. Even in fiction, whenever I read about a character remembering things in such vivid detail, I think to myself that they must only be remembering things how they wish to remember it in order to propel the story forward. I wonder if the author thinks of it that way, and has to gauge how heavy the character's bias will be and how that fits into the story. Now, my question is, is it the author adjusting the character's perspective to tell the story, or is it the character's personal bias and experience that moves it along?
I suppose it's a little bit of both, in the end. In my experience, I've always chosen the perspective of someone who would be most helpful in keeping the story moving in the direction I want it to go. Imagine sitting at a desk, notebook and pen at the ready, or, if you prefer, a blank computer screen, with all of your characters lined up in front of you. Perhaps they are sitting in chairs, leaning on a bookshelf, or sitting in the corner of the room smoking a cigarette (you may want to pass that one an ashtray--wouldn't want to get scorch marks on the carpets). All of them have different stories to tell, and you have to decide which one you want. Maybe it's the one who tells it closest to the version you had in your head, or maybe it's the one who puts a unique spin on your ideas, thus ripping you out of the box and into their world. But then the door opens behind them and a brand new character saunters in, demanding their story be told instead. it's new, it's fresh, and it's completely off the track of the story you originally wanted to tell. Do you take the chance and accept this new perspective? Or do you play it safe and stick to the story you originally wanted to tell? That's the decision, I think, that any good author must make, whether it's before they start writing, halfway through the first draft, or once they're editing the final copy and realize there's a voice in there that's screaming to be let out.
I'm sure some of you (out there, in the world, probably not reading my blog) that are thinking, what is this nonsense? The characters are just that: characters. Why would they have a say in how the story goes? I created them, and therefore they are mine to control. Well, perhaps you're right. Maybe in your case, you just create them and then make them bend to your will, but then what becomes of the story? In the end, all you have to show for your hard work is something with no real personality, something that's dried out and flat because you forced your characters into acting the way you thought they should be. Sure, they're fictional beings, but they are alive in your mind and they have voices of their own. So my message for you today is, treat your characters like human beings or your work will suffer. Let them be who they are and don't try to play God with their lives just because you can. You are not a puppeteer. You are an artist, whose job it is to make their voices heard (not to say that puppeteers aren't artists!).
Imagine an 8 foot slab of granite before you. You have been commissioned by a very rich person to turn this giant slab into a sculpture of a young girl. Now, you are not going to turn this slab of granite into the girl. You are going to use the tools provided to chisel away the rough edges and break down the stone until the form of the girl is released, right? You have to find the figure within the stone. It's the same with writing. Your story is that slab of granite and those characters of yours are just itching to get out. It's your duty as an artist to set them free and give them voice and form.
And so, in conclusion, the next time you ask yourself where you should go next in your writing, smash that thought to bits and address the nagging voices of your characters where they plan to go from here, because in the end, it's really their story, not yours.
Joker: Y'know, there are three kinds of people in this world. The optimistic who find the glass half full, and the pessimistic that see it as half-empty. Then there's the paranoid; they just think someone's drinking out of their glass.
Corrigan: Which one are you?
Joker: I'm the one that knocks the glass over.
~the Joker Blogs
If you've been following a relatively obscure band and they start to become popular, do you tend to lose interest at some point? Is mainstream appeal a turn off when it comes to music?
This is one of those timeless questions that no one can seem to answer without either sounding incredibly shallow or incredibly pretentious, but I'm still going to make an attempt. First, I hate people who don't listen to musicians specifically because they're mainstream. The fact that they are popular does not change who they are as an artist, unless they happen to be just as shallow as the people who write them off for being mainstream. Also, the fact that a band is not popular does not make them automatically better. There are many, many terrible signed and unsigned bands. So really, stop acting all high and mighty over a band just because you think you discovered them personally.
Now me, I listen to everything from Lagy GaGa to Emilie Autumn. If I like it, I listen to it. Mainstream appeal is only a turn-off if the song is played every hour on the hour on the radio, in which case it's more about the shitty variety on the station than anything else. I am seriously sick of people complaing that a musician was ruined because they got famous. For example, so many people on the Emilie Autumn forums were bitching about how she cant get famous and actually make some money that would allow her to tour and promote erself better for her fans. I was so happy to find that she had responded and told them off. Like really, is she supposed to be poor and barely recognized for her entire life just because some "true fans" think mainstream autmatically means you suck? And then of course there's "I listened to them before they got famous." Who cares? Do you think you get some knd of trophy for listening to them for 6 months longer than everyone else? That's right, you heard their shitty demo tapes and are therefore a bigger and better fan. And the same goes for like, every other fandom. I don't give a shit if you've been watching some show for longer than me or if you read the Lord of the Rings before the movies came out. I started watching Supernatural in mid-season 2, but as my friends will know, that does not make me any less of a fan.
However, Twilight is another story. If you liked vampires before Twilight, then you do get twice the respect for not falling all over the glittering Meyerpires, or, as I've taken to calling them, the carnivorous disco balls.
Anyway. back to the topic at hand. The point is, stop being so pretentious over your fandoms. Except vampires, in which case feel free to laugh in the faces of the members of team Edward.
In 2009, x_desdemona_x
Learn to play the mana-sama.
Cut down to ten vampires a day.
Take evening classes in alphabetization.
Spend more time with my comic books.
Spend less time on mikaru.
Keep my graverobber clean.
I am; yet what I am none cares or knows;
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes:
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am, and live with shadows tost.
Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest - that I loved the best -
Are strange - nay, rather stranger than the rest.
I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smiled or wept;
Then to abide with my Creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept;
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie,
the glass below - above a vaulted sky.
~ John Clare (1793 - 1864) The Asylum, Northampton